Day 2

"For though they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God or show gratitude. Instead, Their thinking became nonsense, and their senseless mind became darkened" Romans 1:21 (HCSB)

The days went by so slowly my first week in the hospital, I couldn't stand it. I started to go crazy. I had been a compulsive exerciser the past few months, doing endless workouts at my house hiding it from my parents. In the hospital, however, it was not so easy to sneak exercising. I could not break my obsessive workout routine so I would go into the bathroom at the hospital and do it there. It turns out I wasn't as sneaky as I thought. I woke up the next morning to get my daily weight taken when a nurse approached me with some sort of device in her hand. She explained to me that I would have to wear a heart rate monitor so that the doctors could see if I was doing any physical activity that I shouldn't have been doing. I felt defeated and hopeless. I was not sure what I would do now, and I started regretting asking for help in the first place. 

By the time I started my eating disorder behaviors I had been a Christian for a little less than a year. I was so on fire for God when I was first saved and I wanted to please Him so badly. And then the media started to catch my attention. I would see other girls, whether it be models in magazines or the actresses on Tv, I would compare myself to the unrealistic images that the world was throwing at me. I would ask God why He made me the way he did and why I wasn't as beautiful as I would have liked to be. I was ungrateful. I started thinking unrealistically and my mind became very dark. I needed to find light, I needed to surrender to God completely. 

Are you upset about something in your life and you feel like God isn't being reasonable about it? Make sure you take a step back and recognize what God has done for you, even if what is happening in the present might not seem to make sense to you. If you feel that mind is getting "dark" or you are thinking "senseless" thoughts, maybe it's time to refocus your attention on God.