In the midst of my disease I started to question God. By this time I had been moved from my original hospital down to an intensive rehab program in Virginia, 8 hours away from home. I was depressed, malnourished, anxious and addicted weight loss and yet I still didn't feel I was "sick enough" to need all of this help. I remember saying goodbye to my mom and dad as they walked out the front doors of the facility and walked downstairs to meet the other 15 girls that were stuck here for 2 months with me. During my first week there I had never been so angry with God. I was so mad that He didn't make me the way I though He should have. I had tried so hard to change the ugly mess He had made, and when I said ugly mess, I meant me. I complained about everything, the food, the therapy, the other girls, the rules, my body, literally everything.
One night I found myself in the bathroom crying. I had just exercised and was looking at myself in the mirror. For the first time I noticed the dark circles under my eyes and my my sunken in cheeks. I realized for the first time just how bad I looked. I cried out to God that night and that was when I had a huge realization. I realized that God had not not done this to me, that I had been chained up by the intrusive thoughts that I let take a hold of me. Then I realized something else, I realized that only God could break these chains and set me free.
When Job questioned God why all of these bad things had happened to him, God answered Job in a very powerful way in Job 38. God has laid the foundations of this earth and tells everything just where it should be, He commands the whole earth and everything on the earth. How can I possibly question this God who knows me so well could ever not be in control of my life?
Being frustrated with God seems like a natural choice when something bad is happening, but how can this God who commands the whole earth not be in control? God has His reasons. If God isn't seeming to make sense right now in your life, I challenge you to read Job 38. God always has a plan, and the reason why we can't make sense of it at the moment is because it is far to big and wonderful to ever imagine.
No comments:
Post a Comment